If You Hadn't
by xxIAmTheSkyxx
Summary: "What would my life have been like if that hadn't happened to me? How different would I have been? How would I have led my life? Would I have had a life at all?" As the seventh anniversary with the love of his life comes and goes, one man has been unwittingly pushed into envisioning what could have been had he not run into her on that fateful night. **TW: SUICIDE**


**A/N:** **I won't even apologize for how messy and melodramatic this fic will be because I hardly bothered to edit it.**

 **I know I have been absent on the fic-writing front for months now, and I'm really sorry for that.** **I should probably explain why I haven't been writing so much as a sentence about why I vanished, so I hope that this story will be able to properly convey how I have been feeling over the past few months. No, this isn't something that actually happened to me or anyone that I know, but I** **won't lie about contemplating it. I** **was listening to a song that just brought this story forth and flooded me with emotions I didn't realize were there, and it broke through the dam that had been building up in my mind.**

 **I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

 **If You Hadn't**

" _Hey…_ _hey, you!"_

" _Wh-what? Me…?"_

" _Yes, you! W_ _here are you going this late?"_

The day had been a quiet one. No fanfare…no fancy parties…no gifts. It had a distinct lack of romance from a day that he remembered so clearly for it.

But this was how they preferred to spend this day. Extravagant anniversary plans were just for show, and neither Natsu nor Lucy had any need or interest in it. Even now, the two of them were just sitting on their two-seater couch in the living room, watching a silly romance sitcom over popcorn and nachos.

Not even a simple "Happy anniversary!" had been shared between the two…but they didn't need to do that, either.

Love didn't need words. In fact, it was much hindered with an overabundance of them.

But suddenly, Lucy spoke.

" _Just…to the bridge."_

" _To the bridge? But why?_

"… _I don't see how that's any of your business, you nosy bimbo."_

"Say…Natsu?"

Natsu looked over at her inquisitively. "Hm?"

The young blonde sat up properly and leaned her head back against the backrest of the couch, staring up at their featureless ceiling. "I've…been thinking about something today."

Natsu's eyebrows shot up in spite of himself at her words. "About what?" he asked, somewhat guarded. "It's unusual of you to do it today of all days…"

"Yeah, I know…but for some reason, it just came into my head this morning and wouldn't leave me alone." She lifted her head again and turned to Natsu earnestly, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. "I was thinking about…you know… _that_ night."

Natsu fell silent. _That_ night…

The night that they'd met…the night that she had unwittingly come across his path…

The night that she stopped him from jumping to his death.

" _Y-you don't need to be so rude! I was only asking because there's nothing to see on the bridge this late at night!"_

" _Well, maybe I_ like _having nothing to see but nothing!"_

"… _W-wait…huh?"_

"… _I-it's none of your business, I said! Just leave me alone!"_

" _Wha—h-hey, wait a minute—!"_

Natsu picked up the remote and shut off the television at her words. The sudden pervading silence rang in his ears, but it was still much less distracting than the noise.

"…What got you thinking about it?"

Lucy shrugged helplessly. "I don't know…I was just thinking about how it's been seven years already since then, and…all those memories just decided to stick in my mind." Her expression melted into one of nervousness. "And…I was also wondering if…"

Natsu closed his eyes briefly and let out a heavy sigh as he opened them again. "If I'd been thinking about it, too?" he finished for her.

She nodded. The wariness in her deep brown eyes was plain; she was afraid she'd broached a sensitive subject. They normally avoided it, and Natsu didn't like to remember it too fondly.

But of course, that didn't mean his brain ever actually got with the program.

He grunted as he sat forward and rested his forearms on his thighs, staring at the floor as he mumbled, "To tell the truth…I think about it all the time."

Lucy blinked in surprise. "A-all the time?"

He nodded once, not lifting his gaze. "Yeah, almost every waking minute. It just…keeps replaying."

" _Can't you take a hint?! I told you to leave me alone!"_

" _No! I can't, and I won't!"_

" _Why do you have to be so—wh-whoa—ahh—!"_

" _NO!"_

Natsu couldn't see her face, but he could easily picture that sympathetic expression plastered all over it.

"N-Natsu…why didn't you ever…?"

"I made you miserable enough that night." He exhaled. "The last thing I wanted to do was make it worse by reminding you. How do you think you would've reacted if I told you that I thought about that night every damned minute that I'm awake?"

Now it was Lucy's turn for a round of silence. Natsu let the silence pervade without interruption—because he knew that she knew the answer to that question, better than even Natsu himself did.

She, more than anyone else, knew how much it hurt him to see her tears. She would rather suffer in silence than let that happen to him, and he knew it. He wasn't about to make her feel guilty for her own emotions…especially not after that night.

" _H-hang on just a little longer…I've got you…!"_

"… _No…n-no, I don't want your help! Let go of me!"_

" _Are you crazy?! If I do, you'll—!"_

" _I DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR YOU TO HELP, YOU IDIOT! I WANT TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE FOR ONCE!"_

"… _H-huh…?"_

Natsu straightened up and looked at her grimly. "See? You don't even need me to tell you."

Lucy bit her lip and shook her head once, her eyes glimmering. "I…I didn't…Natsu…please…"

"Not a chance." He paused, his gaze tightening. "Seriously, I…I would've told you sooner, but I was never sure you'd listen to me if I told you that…"

"T-told me…? Told me what?"

Natsu glanced toward the floor again—he couldn't bring himself to answer right away. She was waiting for him to continue; he had her attention now. It wasn't like she'd override his words or anything of the sort. If anything, this was the best chance to tell her.

He had to stop hesitating. He couldn't keep going like this.

" _Everyone always decides how I should live my own life! They never ask me what I want; they keep telling me I have to do this, should go there, can't look at that, or need to say something else! What's the point in sticking around if I can't even make my own choices?!"_

"… _Y-you mean…b-but that's…!"_

" _And you—you're just like everyone else! You won't even let me make this one decision—the only one that I thought I was allowed to make because you wouldn't mind your own damned business…you don't even know me, but I still can't…!"_

"… _?! You're…is this why you…?"_

" _I'm just sick of everything…I don't want to be just some puppet my family lives their lives through…I'd rather die than waste my life like that, so just…just let go of me already! I don't want to deal with it anymore…!"_

He drew in a deep breath to brace himself. "When I say I've been thinking about it…I mean I always think about—about what would've happened if you hadn't been there that night," he began, his voice low. "Like…if you hadn't been there…would I still be here?"

Lucy's eyes widened. "Natsu…!"

The hurt in her voice cut through him like a knife, but he kept on. "I keep thinking about it because it's…just such a _strange_ concept for me. It probably sounds weird…but if I didn't have anyone there, would I have wanted to keep going? I just feel like if you hadn't talked me out of it then…I wouldn't be here _now_."

He could feel Lucy trembling beside him—but whether in sadness or anger, he had no idea. "How could you say something like that?!" she cried. "Are you telling me that your life wasn't important to you at _any_ point?! Did you _lie_ to me that night on the bridge?!"

Natsu said nothing in the wake of her hurt. Nothing he could tell her now could mend that, since she was aware of the truth.

At this point, his words would just be empty noise.

" _N-no, you…you can't! You can't do this to yourself!"_

" _Like you have any right to tell me what to do with my life! Why won't you leave me alone; damn it?!"_

" _This isn't about me! I'm talking about_ you! _If I let you go here, you won't have a chance to change anything for yourself!"_

"… _!"_

Lucy, however, wasn't having any of his silence.

"Answer me right now, Natsu Dragneel! Was that a lie that you told me on the bridge that night or not?!"

There were so many routes that he could take now. He could lie to her and say that no, it wasn't a lie, and that could easily be the end of it. He could direct the conversation to an alternative topic. He could distract her with a random observation of any kind. Or he could simply stop talking altogether.

Then again, he figured there'd be no point trying to avoid it. She'd see through his attempts anyway and have none of it…so he opted for the truth.

"…Well, no. It wasn't a lie, exactly." He smiled wistfully. "My life _is_ important to me…but only because it seemed to be important to _you_."

" _You…why do you even care?"_

" _Huh…?"_

" _You don't even know me! I might as well just be a nobody to you; why do you care so much about a stranger, anyway?"_

"… _Ugh, isn't it_ obvious? _I don't care if you're a stranger! You're a person, just like me! Why_ wouldn't _I care? That's the weirder question!"_

His words didn't seem to register with her at first.

"…H-hang on…" she stammered, holding up a hand. "What do you mean by that?"

"I'm not sure how I can be any clearer. It's pretty clear-cut."

"But that doesn't make any sense! You only think your life is important because _I_ think it's important?"

"Yes. Is there something wrong with that?"

This put her at a pause. "…Th-that…I don't…"

"Then let me make it clearer." Natsu turned and reached out to stroke Lucy's cheek gently. "I love you enough to keep going. No matter how hopeless I start to feel or how pointless I think I am, I always remind myself to keep going because of you."

"… _What're you taking about…I don't…!"_

" _I can't just let you drop here! How do you think I'd feel for the rest of my life knowing that I let someone die when I could've helped?!"_

" _Why does it even matter to you?!"_

" _Because you only get one life to live! Don't just throw it away like this—because you still have the chance to change it!"_

Perhaps he'd said too much at that point. Lucy was stunned completely speechless at his words, and he couldn't exactly blame her for that. Learning that the life of someone that she cared about was dependent on the strength of her love for him couldn't have been easy for her to grasp.

"Natsu, that's…" She shook her head, her lip trembling. "That's not fair…you can't do that…!"

Natsu could only grin in apology as he reached over to embrace her. He could feel her trembling slightly beneath his hold….he could practically take on her overwhelming grief secondhand, and yet he could only think of one thing to tell her.

"I'm sorry…"

" _Do you think I'd be doing this if I knew I could change anything?!"_

" _Then let me help you! If you can't do it on your own, all you need to do is ask someone!"_

" _How could you possibly help?!"_

" _By getting you back on solid ground first! Help me out here and let me explain more comfortably…c'mon…!"_

"… _Fine…"_

Lucy shook her head…whether in disbelief or denial, he had no idea, but he could still hear her words muffled against his chest.

"How could you say that…" she whispered, her voice hoarse. "You can't just …say something like…!"

"I know, but…you wanted an answer…" He smiled sadly over her shoulder. "So I gave you one. And…I wanted to be honest…"

"Why didn't you tell me sooner…I could've done something to…!"

"No, you couldn't," he said quietly, lifting a hand to stroke her head. "It's a bit late now…"

She shook her head adamantly. "You don't know that…!"

"…Maybe not." Natsu sighed. "But…neither do you."

" _So…that's your biggest problem…?"_

" _Yeah…what's it to you, then…"_

" _Have you tried talking to them about this?"_

" _I…n-no…it's not like they'd actually listen to me; they never bothered to before…"_

" _Go talk to them. They'll listen if you let them know that you're serious."_

She pulled away indignantly, her cheeks glistening—he could see that she'd been crying into his chest…how had he not realized it?

"So you're telling me that I'm the only reason you're still here with me?" she demanded.

Natsu nodded seriously. Yes.

"And nothing else matters to you enough to keep going? Absolutely nothing?"

Natsu shook his head. No. There was nothing else.

"But…why just me? Why nothing or no one else?"

Natsu blinked once, wondering how he should respond to her. After another moment or so, he smiled again. "The reason? Well…it's pretty simple, actually."

"… _Okay…say that I do that and they still don't listen. What then?"_

" _Then you need to get away from them because their influence is doing nothing for you._ Without _jumping off a bridge, preferably, because that's a one-way ticket."_

" _Get away from them how? I don't have anywhere to go…"_

" _Well…do you know anybody that can possibly help you find a place to go?"_

"… _Um…probably?"_

" _Then that's a place to start!"_

Lucy wiped away her tears, her anger fading into confusion now. "I-is it?"

"Of course it is." He lowered his gaze to his hands, which were gripping hers gently. "Because you only need one reason—any one reason—to keep going without giving up…didn't you tell me that yourself?"

"Yes, but…I didn't mean it like this…I didn't mean it so literally!"

"But it still helps me, Lucy." He raised a hand and brushed back a stray lock of her hair before turning her head slightly to look her in the eyes. "Look at me. I'm still here; I'm still alive and breathing and living a full life thanks to _you_. Don't think of it as a burden, all right?"

Natsu could still see the hesitation in her eyes, even as she nodded in agreement and stammered out an "O-okay…I'll try…" It was better than nothing, he supposed, especially considering the sort of self-blaming response she would normally give.

She truly was extraordinary.

"… _You're a real weirdo, y'know that?"_

" _Yeah? What makes you say that?"_

"… _So many reasons…"_

" _Hey, are you insulting me?!"_

" _I never said it was a bad thing, yeesh! Speaking of which, who are you, even?! You didn't even give me your name!"_

Natsu pulled back and closed his eyes with a sigh. "So…does that answer satisfy you?"

Lucy didn't answer him right away, letting the question hang between them for what felt like minutes, before quipping, "Not really. And I don't think it ever will."

His eyes blinked open in mild surprise as he grinned at her resignedly and asked, "Yeah? What makes you say that?"

Lucy rolled her eyes at his words, realizing what he was doing now. "…So many reasons…" she mumbled.

He let his face slip into a mock pout. "Hey, now; are you insulting me?"

She grinned back in that cheeky way of hers. "What?" she teased. "Never said it was a bad thing."

Natsu could only scoff in disbelief and chuckle to himself. He still couldn't believe how lucky he'd been to have gotten the opportunity to live his life with her.

"… _Oh, wow; I never actually gave you my name, did I? That's kind of awkward…"_

" _No kidding! You catch me falling off a bridge and you don't even introduce yourself; how am I supposed to show you that I'm grateful?"_

" _Y'know, at this point I'm really starting to doubt that."_

" _The hell, woman; just give me your name so I can thank you!"_

" _Ugh…okay, fine! But only on one condition!"_

"… _Great; what now?"_

Lucy leaned over to peck him lightly on the cheek with a soft smile. "Well, I might never completely understand why you think the way you do…but that doesn't mean I can love you any less, right?"

Natsu could only grin in response. "Nope," he answered easily. "Definitely doesn't. You can love me all you want."

Lucy simply laughed in response, and he just sat there and listened to her. He could have and would have been able to listen to that laughter of hers all day if she was able without hurting herself.

"Good," she giggled with a wink, "because I'm the greediest lover in the world."

Natsu blinked before turning and picking up the remote. "…I think I'll get back to the movie now."

"Hey! Is that you implying something?"

"Sounds more like you implying that I'm implying something about you to me."

"…Ugh, you're impossible…!"

Natsu just smiled as slung an arm over her shoulder as he flipped the television back on, eager to get back to their slow routine from before.

" _Promise me that you'll never try something like this again! And also promise that you'll find a reason to keep going, no matter how small it is!"_

"… _Pretty hefty price tag for a guy just asking you for your name, isn't it?"_

" _Don't care; take it or leave it! And tell me your name too while you're at it since it's not fair that only I give out my name!"_

"… _Okay, fine; I promise both of those things, and my name is Natsu. Can you tell me your name now?"_

" _Good! And nice to meet you, Natsu; I'm Lucy!"_

"… _Heh, nice to meet you, too, Lucy…and thanks for helping me."_


End file.
